A Young Person's Guide To All Things METAL!!!

Have you ever been completely confused by the many subgenres in the world of heavy metal? Do you need help deciphering what is and what isn't metal? Well, fear not, grasshopper, 'cause I'm here to help. With this handy dandy little guide, you should be able to understand what goes where in the world of metal and what is most definitely not metal. So, turn up your computer speakers as loud as you can and let's rock.

First off, let's talk Hard Rock. What's the difference between Hard Rock and Heavy Metal? Well, that's simple. Heavy Metal is metal, while Hard Rock isn't. For example, take AC/DC and Wolfmother. Both are Hard Rock bands. Almost metal, but not quite. I think it has something to do with actual melodies and the distortion pedals not set on full gain. A band like Clutch fits into this category as well.

Now, let's get into METAL!!!. The first stop is the straight-up Traditional Metal.

Traditional Metal - This is a good place to start on your journey into all things heavy. To get into Traditional metal, look for early Metallica (of course, it wouldn't be metal of me to say anything nice about more recent Metallica. Too bad we all know damn well every late-period Metallica basher still owns Reload and St. Anger...), Megadeth, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Testament, Pantera (one of my personal favorites) and - for a more modern example - Avenged Sevenfold. They definitely picked up the Traditional Metal flag in recent years, despite (due to?) the overt cheesiness of their lyrical content. I should probably mention Godsmack here, but I won't because Godsmack sucks.

Thrash/Speed Metal - This is the genre for people who wish NOFX was heavy and Pantera played faster. Sadly for the latter, their only serious foray into speed metal was the awesome "Fucking Hostile". But let's talk bands. Once again, early Metallica comes into play here (specifically, the first two albums). But besides them, look into bands like Slayer, Sepultura, Suicidal Tendencies, and Overkill, with Strapping Young Lad leading the modern charge.

Alternative Metal - This is generally what happened to metal when the 1980's ended. Practitioners Of The Metal started trying new ideas and generally started to slow tempos down, favoring power and groove over raw speed. I'm lumping nu-metal and rap metal in here 'cause I don't wanna talk about them by themselves. Anyway, here is where you look for bands like System of a Down, Snot (who both have their own speed metal tendencies), Rage Against The Machine, Sevendust, Slipknot, Mudvayne, and so on. But not Fall Out Boy. Fall Out Boy is not metal.

Industrial Metal - This is for people who wish their metal sounded more electronic-y and colder than most metal does. Classic examples: Fear Factory and White Zombie. Some people think Strapping Young Lad is Industrial metal, but I'm not buying that one.

Progressive Metal - metal for math geeks (speaking of which, I'm lumping math metal into this one). This is metal for people who can stand some cheese and live for time changes and extended suites. Or, in the case of the most excellent "hardcore meets prog metal" Dillinger Escape Plan, time changes and a purveying sense of confusion. The band long considered the cream of the progressive metal crop is Dream Theater. Judging by the Dream Theater rip-off acts that have sent me friend requests on Myspace, That consideration still holds true. But besides them, look for bands like Symphony X, Evergrey, Mudvayne (math metal), and definitely Opeth (if you don't mind a touch of death in your prog metal). If you also want Progressive metal but you don't want those pesky lyrics and singers getting in the way, then look no further than Liquid Tension Experiment and Planet X.

Hair Metal - I'm just acknowledging its existence. It exists. Now, if you want REAL metal cheese, look no further than...

Power Metal - Demons and Dragons and Swords and the NIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!! Referred to by a few of my friends as "Viking Metal", power metal is just that. Power. And cheese, holy CRAP is there cheese to be found. It's like a metal cheese wheel rolling down a steep cliff (or, uh, hill). Frankly, you wind up asking yourself if they're really being serious with this stuff as you listen to it. The most obvious example is Manowar. But, also check out bands like Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica (power metal with a progressive edge - see Symphony X), Dragonforce (waaay over the top - you can tell they don't take themselves too seriously), and Mastodon (a band that found a way to make power metal cool).

Death Metal - And here is where you find the "cookie monster" style vocals. This is for metal heads who don't appreciate all that "melody" nonsense. But in reality, you'll find some musicians who know what the hell they're doing in here as well. Your death metal purveyor is, well, Death. But, you'll also find bands like Cannibal Corpse, Deicide, Obituary, and Morbid Angel here. And, of course...Dethklok, anyone?

Black metal - Now, I've always thought that this was stretching a little. However, you'll find differences between Black and Death metal if you look hard enough. Black metal is kinda like Death metal's goth-y little brother. And yes, Black metal practitioners tend to wear makeup onstage and in press photos (but no colors outside of black and white. They call it "corpsepaint"). Here, you'll find bands like Dimmu Borgir, Satyricon, Immortal, Mayhem, and Old Man's Child. I probably should talk about Cradle of Filth here, but I'm not going to because nobody listens to Cradle of Filth on their own volition.

Doom/Sludge metal - DOOM! DOOOOOOM! Here is a subgenre that really sacrifices speed for vibe and power. This is also probably the only type of metal that doesn't make for good driving music. The Patient Man's Metal, Doom/Sludge metal works slowly and takes its time, but still knows where it's going. The clearest example is Type O Negative here (though some call them Goth Metal, which is Black Metal with a sense of melody), but also check out bands like Eyehategod, Isis, Corrosion of Conformity, and Cathedral.

Metalcore - Possibly the dumbest name of all the metal subgenres. This is a genre that combines the music of Traditional and Thrash metal with vocals straight out of hardcore. This is probably the logical evolution from a band like Biohazard. If you want Metalcore, you'll be looking for bands like Hatebreed, Chimaira, Diecast (if you want some singing to go with your blood-curdling screams), Evergreen Terrace, and Lamb of God to a lesser extent.

Grindcore - The Metal of Confusion. Noisy, hard to understand, surprisingly nimble, and over before you know what hit you, let alone figure out what the hell is going on. But most of the time, when you dig below the surface, you discover that they don't take themselves as seriously as you might think. Believe me, that can be fun in its own right. Your premier grindcore band is The Locust (I saw them live once. It was confusing but still fun), but also look for bands like A.C. and The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza.

This leaves me with the current crop of metal permeating airwaves as we speak. It has some of the same ideals as Metalcore but with some more Traditional and Thrash elements. That and most of them feature frontmen that can seriously sing as well as scream their brains out. I don't know what to call it, so I won't bother. I'll just enjoy it. For this, check out Shadows Fall, Killswitch Engage, God Forbid, Unearth, and Mastodon (if you want some power metal to go with that).

Welp, there you have it. I've probably left some subgenres off of this list, but meh...whatever. To wrap this up, here are my 10 favorite metal bands in no particular order except perhaps for number 1:

1. Pantera
2. Opeth
3. System of a Down
4. Strapping Young Lad
5. Mudvayne
6. Deftones
7. Dillinger Escape Plan
8. Mastodon
9. Metallica
10. Black Sabbath (the legends)

Happy Metaling.